Since news broke of the Josh Duggar molestation story, I’ve been reading and reading and reading. I have sat here, commenting a couple of times on different people’s FB posts about the issue. Even though I carefully considered my words, it really couldn’t begin to convey how I am feeling. So, with so many feelings and thoughts to process, I thought I would write it out and pray that my voice might matter in this discussion. People seem to either be crying out for blood from the Duggars or glossing over it with “God is good and merciful, and we’re all sinners and should be forgiven”. I’d say, I’m somewhere in-between all that. Perhaps my story might help offer a balanced perspective. I don’t know that this will be stated very eloquently, as it is quite a complex, personal issue for me, but I’ll certainly try to do it justice… for those little Duggar (and possibly other) girls… all those years ago.
I was sexually abused by my father as a young child. There was a lot of therapy- a LOT- for years… you can imagine… lots of uncomfortable talk with dolls and drawings. I don’t really remember the things we talked about (minus the major one), but I definitely remember those dolls. Unfortunately AND fortunately, there’s very little I remember now, as a 30 something adult. I could probably ask more, but it’s something my family has worked hard to protect me from and nothing I really care to venture into in detail, at this point. I was around 3 or 4, I think, when my family found out… and by my family, I mean my mom, her mom (my grandmother) and her grandmother (my great-grandmother). Evidently, one day I said something that disturbingly shocked them. I don’t remember what that was, but they do, and there was no question that something was very wrong.
When my family approached my other grandparents about it (my father’s dad and step-mom), she- my other grandmother- said she had walked in on it happening before and had told him to stop. She didn’t tell my mom or anyone else in my family. She didn’t report him to authorities. She told him not to do it anymore and just turned a blind eye to the dark truth in front of her.
My family, like any normal people, went to court to get full custody and to keep him away from me and my brother. Again, I don’t know all the details and remember only vaguely the preparations for it, but I’ve been told that it was an uphill battle. They ended up being forced to settle just to keep me safe. He relinquished his parental rights, but he got to go free and clear… that was the deal. He’s still out there, nearby with a family. A few years ago, there was a report of someone matching his description looking for me… terrified doesn’t begin to describe it. He even looked up and found my brother on social media. I. can’t. even. The Lord has been faithful to protect me, but this is a subject I haven’t fully dealt with because of the potential threat still lurking out there. I’ve felt moments of tremendous guilt, because if he did it to me, he could certainly do it to someone else.
Let me also say, he could have totally changed. He was someone who was sick and needed help. Maybe he got counseling and healing. Maybe he met Jesus and lets Him rule his life. If so, great. Does that mean I ever want to talk to him, see his face or have any contact with him ever? No. And all that leads me back to the Duggars…
I believe Josh was most likely a confused pubescent boy. I actually question if perhaps he had been abused in any way by a trusted adult (like their friend who is serving time for child pornography?). I think it’s obvious he knew what he was doing was wrong, because he admitted it… supposedly. I’m not going to attack the culture he grew up in, because I don’t know enough about it, and I know even if you do everything right, crap’s gonna happen- we live in a fallen world. I believe if he truly repented and got proper counseling, he was able to learn and heal and move on to live an adjusted normal life. However, he did NOT receive counseling around the time of the incident, as Jim Bob and Michelle had originally insinuated (page 30 of the police report). So, if he didn’t receive proper counseling and was allowed back into the house with some of his alleged victims, that brings up innumerable questions about the decisions the Duggar parents made.
I actually get why they might not run to the police immediately… but they kept it hidden (with help, too, by the way) and conveniently enough, by the time the police found out about this and opened the investigation, the statute of limitation had run out. You can read the 33 page police report for all the details… and please do, because the details matter.
I find myself so disgusted and angry with the adults who seem to have worked really hard at protecting one (male) child, or perhaps, fought to protect their image, while innocent young girls waited for action to be taken against Josh… then after his brief stint of doing some manual labor, he returned home and they had to accept his apology, forgive him, leave it in the past and dwell with him. Just slap a big fat religious bandaid on in the name of Jesus, and act like that makes it all ok… So. much. irresponsible. parenting. They say the victims received counseling, but if they said Josh did and he really didn’t, it makes me wonder how well-cared for the girls were.
I wonder if those girls lived in fear. I wonder if they still deal with the far-reaching effects of being violated. I wonder if anything ever happened again, and no one came forward. I wonder if Josh really did get the help he needed and if that perverted temptation has left him. I wonder if he didn’t… are his kids safe? I think that’s a fair question to ask.
My heart hurts in so many different ways over this news. I just want to hug each one of those girls and cry with them. Did they even get to do that?
I believe in the transformative power of Y’shua Jesus to change lives… even the darkest, most awful of lives. I believe in grace and forgiveness. Lord knows I’ve had plenty of sin and shame to lay at His feet. But to say that’s all that matters in this situation, just isn’t so. There’s a bigger issue, lots of raised questions, and it’s something we all need to reflect on… not so we can crucify our neighbors when they falter, but so that we can be accountable to our awful, sinful nature, so that we can do what’s right in the name of justice for those who are victims and who need a voice, so that we can be wise, alert and vigilant about who we allow around our children, so we can take people off a pedestal and stop comparing ourselves, so that we can find healing and help others find healing.
